Lessons from the Darkest Brand Mascot Story Ever Told.

A Friday newsletter that that went out of its way to avoid the Noid. And failed.

There’s no sugar coating it. Domino's is the world’s best trash pizza.

The best part, it’s not even really a pizza company. With their tech stack and the world famous Pizza Tracker, they are technology company.

The tracker can reasonably trace its origin story to one of the most unlikely brand mascots in ad history.

The entire promise that Domino's built its brand on is that your pizza will get to you fast, hot and correct.

That idea was actually born from a claymation gremlin in a red jumpsuit whose whole job was to ruin your delivery.

The tracker is the brand’s modern version of "Avoid the Noid."

A ridiculous campaign that ran during the 1980s - the era of all good and truth.

The campaign solved the same anxiety, gave the same reassurance, just as the digital does now.

MEET THE NOID

Despite the hyper nostalgia of the 80s. It really was a dark time for pizza.

Pizza arrived cold, soggy and more often than not, late.

You know what happens next: Advertising agency to the rescue.

Group 243 out of Ann Arbor, Michigan, and creative director Ernie Perich and his team zagged.

They created an antagonist. The personification of everything that can go wrong in a pizza delivery.

Just like last week’s story about the California Raisins, they turned to Will Vinton Studios to bring the Noid to life.

They made a disgusting creature in a skin-tight red jumpsuit with rabbit ears, buck teeth, beady eyes and a black "N" on his chest.

Fast Company called him, “a unique grotesquerie.”

Then they gave him the most annoying voice ever.

Avoid the Noid was born.

Domino's dropped $75 million on the campaign to counter Pizza Hut.

The Noid appeared in Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker film.

In two video games: Avoid the Noid (1989, PC/Commodore 64) and Yo! Noid (1990, NES by Capcom).

Yo! Noid sold 500,000 copies.

Merchandise was everywhere.

Then it gets dark.

THE FALL

On January 30, 1989, A 22-year-old named Kenneth Lamar Noid walked into a Domino’s in Chamblee, Georgia.

He had a .357 Magnum and paranoid schizophrenia.

He believed the campaign was about him.

Two employees. Five hours. A hostage situation.

He demanded $100,000. A white limousine. And an obscure Robert Anton Wilson novel.

Then he got hungry. Made them cook him two pizzas.

While he ate with the gun in his lap, they escaped.

The police chief told reporters he was “para-Noid.”

Domino’s says it wasn’t the hostage situation that killed the character.

But the Noid was gone by the mid-90s.

Pop culture didn’t forget.

The Noid lived on in The Simpsons. Family Guy. 30 Rock.

Everyone remembered. Domino’s just stopped talking about him.

What’s little remembered and likely important for agency-folk.

That little Michigan agency would sell for $40 million in 1988.

By 1991 they would lose the now $50 million Domino's account. Three months later the agency would be rebranded.

That in a nutshell is the agency business.

THE AD LESSON

The Noid invented the anti-mascot.

Not a hero. Sort of a villain. The thing between you and your hot pizza. What a jerk.

Instead of “our pizza is great” — It’s “everything is trying to ruin your pizza and only we can stop it.”

That’s a narrative. That’s a promise. That’s why the Pizza Tracker exists as one of the greatest technological achievements of all time.

But when the character gets bigger than the brand, you lose control of who connects with it. That is a-noid-ing.

THE HIGHBALL

The Highball might be the most honest or maybe humble drink ever made. A perfect foil for the world’s best trash pizza. Legend says that some actor walked into a New York bar in 1887 and asked for a scotch and soda. The bartender poured it. That was the innovation.

It blew up during Prohibition because ginger ale made bootleg and bathtub made whisky drinkable. Then it died. Then Japan saved it. Suntory opened 1,500 bars in the 1950s selling whisky and soda to salarymen who couldn’t afford anything else. It became the country’s default drink. Then it died again, it was an old man’s drink.

Then in 2008, Suntory hired Koyuki — Japan's biggest actress, The Last Samurai — to make highballs on TV. That's it. That was the ad. That was the concept.

Whisky, soda, ice. Don't stir too hard. The YouTube version got a million views. On the ground they installed highball taps set at champagne pressure in bars across Tokyo.

Bars serving highballs went from 15,000 to 40,000 in one year. Kakubin whisky sales jumped 70%.

Then canned highballs hit every convenience store and vending machine in the country.

A drink that rose, died, came back, died again and was resurrected by a great ad. A tale as old as time.

You’re on the couch. The Pizza Tracker says two minutes. You don’t need a craft cocktail. You need whisky and ginger ale in a tall glass with ice.

• 2 oz whisky (whatever’s in the cabinet)

• 4-5 oz ginger ale

• Ice

• Lemon twist (only if you’re feeling fancy)

Build it in a tall glass. Don’t stir too hard or you’ll kill the bubbles. Enjoy. All thanks to the Noid.

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The Drink Cart. A newsletter version of sitting at a really good bar with someone who thinks too much about advertising and won't shut up about it. Wednesdays and Fridays.