Feliz Emily-dad
The only ad newsletter that's binged through all 10 episodes of season 5.
Dear marketing fans and anyone who wants gratuitous spoilers from Emily in Paris season five.
‘Twas the night before season five dropped on Netflix, Not a marketer stirring, except for one chap. The content was scheduled on Substack with care, In hopes that engagement metrics soon would be there.
The influencers were nestled all snug in their feeds, While visions of brand deals danced with their needs. And Emily in berets and I in my Drink Cart writing shorts, Had just settled down for another marketing-themed romance.
When out on my phone there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. Away to Netflix I flew like a flash, Tore open the app and made a quick dash.
The glow of the screen on my half-drunken nog, Gave a lustre of pitch decks and another love-triangle. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But more questionable brand choices and a new season premiere…
Yep. It’s that most wonderful time of year. Netflix has released all ten episodes of the landmark marketing series, Emily in Paris. So obviously I’ve watched them all so you don’t have to. But then again, I’m mostly watching for the marketing and agency scenes.
And yes, I had planned a bit of a Ghosts of Drink Carts past best of the year newsletter (which may still show up before the end of the year), but duty calls. So in this special Christmas Eve edition, we’re going to unwrap every dumb pitch Agence Grateau has to offer us. Ready?
Episode 1: La Dolce Emily
The Pitch: Recurring client, perfume magnet and restauranteur Antoine Lambert’s failed baby fragrance flopped so hard he needs help. Typical Agence Grateau Solution? Rebrand it as the new signature scent for Muratori — a cashmere house founded by a man famously obsessed with goats.
The Verdict: Let me get this straight. They took a failed BABY PERFUME and slapped it on heritage Italian knitwear. In any normal agency this gets killed in the first status meeting. But in this world it either wins a bronze Lion or gets someone quietly removed from the account.
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹
Episode 2: Got to Be Real
The Bavazzatini Rome Launch
The Pitch: Launch an espresso martini brand in Italy. To Italians. Sub-pitch: Enlist Mindy sing a song and garnish a colossal cocktail.
The Verdict: Imagine being in that briefing. “We’re going to explain espresso-based cocktails to the nation that invented espresso.” The confidence. The absolute audacity. This is what happens when nobody on the team has a passport stamp from the target market. The venue saves this one.
Rating: 🍹🍹
Muratori Gets an Instagram
The Pitch: Giancarlo (Sylvie’s boyfriend, naturally) is hired to shoot a “short film” as an homage to Cinema Paradiso. The real pitch is that Emily suggests posting it on Instagram. Boyfriend/client Marcello Muratori is stunned: since when does Muratori have Instagram?
The Verdict: This should’ve been moody cashmere goats on Italian hillsides. A grid so beautiful it makes you want to weep and buy a $900 sweater. Instead we got Emily’s usual content energy and a lot of goat images as a shameless play to matriarch Antonia Muratori. Someone tell me who approved this.
Rating: 🍹 (The Instagram goats deserved better.)
The Fendi Meeting
The Pitch: Agence Grateau is on a roll. walks into a meeting with FENDI. They have not been briefed. They have no deck. Cut to: Emily blurting out the first thing in her head like ChatGPT: what about a baguette bag...shaped like a baguette?
The Verdict: The agency walks into FENDI with no prep and pitched a bread purse. Then Emily’s treasured vintage Fendi from her grandmother is revealed to be a FAKE. And she tries to spin it: “What if we made real fakes?” In a functioning agency, this meeting gets a post-mortem. Someone writes a deck about what went wrong. People cry in the bathroom. Here? They just move on to the next scene.
Rating: 🍹
Episode 3: Intimissimi Issues
Sexier Than Naked
The Pitch: Luc wants the account because he’s “bursting with ideas.” His vision? The Night Porter. Fascism and submission. Emily counters with “sexier than naked.”
The Verdict: Luc, it’s a lingerie brand known for tops that go viral on TikTok. They did not ask for a dissertation on postwar power dynamics. And “sexier than naked” sounds like it came from a brainstorm that ran 45 minutes too long. In reality it came from Emily doing her best What Women Want research on the product.
Rating: 🍹
Reveal Yourself
The Pitch: They regroup. New tagline: “Reveal yourself.”
The Verdict: Sounds like something you’d actually see on a bus shelter and not hate. The brand loved it. This is what happens when you stop trying to be clever and just do some work.
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹
Episode 4: Rome Has Fallen
The Pitch: To launch Muratori Paradiso (the repurposed baby perfume, try to keep up), Emily invites influencers to the idyllic village of Solitano for an exclusive experience. Marcello asks the only reasonable question: “How is inviting TikTokers to our town and paying to entertain them going to sell perfume?”
The Verdict: The influencers answered that one. The posts actually went viral. Overnight, the sleepy village is OVERRUN with tourists. Overnight? Antonia is furious: “It was paradise and now it’s Disneyland!” The marketing worked TOO well. Emily is fired. Six months in Rome and she’s wrecking-balled an entire village.
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹🍹
Episode 5: Bonjour Paris!
The Pitch: Meeting with British billionaire hotelier Thomas Heatherton on Zoom no less. Agence Grateau pitches a giant Eiffel Tower in his new Parisian hotel lobby. Client’s reaction: “Are you going to put them on a hop-on hop-off bus as well?”
The Verdict: Client line of the season. That pitch was tourism-brochure-from-2003 energy. But as usual Emily pivots on the fly: recreate all her local Parisian neighborhood’s storefronts so guests can sample authentic products. Thomas likes it. They pull it off in 72 hours. This is peak Agence Grateau. No prep, pure adrenaline, somehow lands on its feet.
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹🍹
Episode 6: The One Where Emily Goes to the Embassy
Kiss Your Way Through Paris
The Pitch: Sylvie finally acts like a boss and handles a big L’Oréal meeting herself. Her idea: a campaign about “a young American woman living in Paris” who kisses her way through the city, never leaving a mark. She makes an Instagram account to stalk Emily’s life for research.
The Verdict: So the pitch was Emily’s love life with fake boyfriend names? L’Oréal passed. “Not female empowering enough.”
Rating: 🍹🍹
A Lipstick as Long-Lasting as Your Friendship
The Pitch: Emily and Mindy have a moment about friendship. Sylvie pivots. New pitch: lipstick as long-lasting as your friendship. They shoot with knockoff Emily and Mindy characters.
The Verdict: They came up with two whole ideas for a 194 billion company. Both just based on Emily’s life. That was it. They made the second one.
Rating: 🍹
Episode 7: Second Chances
The Pitch: Apogee water donated to anti-LGBTQ+ groups. Community boycott. Julien suggests the CEO apologize. CEO: “Why? I haven’t done anything wrong.” Emily suggests renaming the water. Julien coins “Libid’eau.” They sponsor Paris Pride with a float spraying water while Mindy (naturally) sings “It’s Raining Men.”
The Verdict: So instead of apologizing... we’re just renaming it and throwing a party? The CEO “worked with Julien all night” because at Agence Grateau every project must involve a completely inappropriate relationship.
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹
Episode 8: Fashion Statement
The Pitch: Emily throws a luncheon for press to announce Marcello’s new line.
The Verdict: A press lunch? That’s just regular marketing. No drama. No last-minute pivots. No romantic subplot with the caterer. Honestly suspicious. Who planned this?
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹
Episode 9: La Belle Époque
The Pitch: Throw a party for Le Réveil Vert, an absinthe brand. Theme: La Belle Époque. Venue: Maxim’s.
The Verdict: Drink Carter’s rejoice. It’s Absinthe. Belle Époque. The venue actually makes sense for the product. I’m beginning to suspect there a secret competent person hiding in this agency? Did someone finally read a brief all the way through?
Rating: 🍹🍹🍹🍹
Episode 10: Veni, Vidi, Venezia
The Pitch: Marcello offers Emily a job: move to Solitano (now ruined with tourists), live in the family home (next to Antonia who FIRED HER), and do Muratori marketing in-house. Meanwhile Sylvie discovers her husband’s debts are so bad she might need to liquidate the agency.
The Verdict: Let’s zoom out. In six months, Agence Grateau moved to Rome, destroyed a village, pissed off most Paris clients (except Antoine), and now might be bankrupt. I was hoping Agence Grateau would get swallowed by a holding company, instead Sylvie sells half the agency to Minnie Driver who is some sort of princess influencer.
Rating: 🍹🍹
Last call: Agence Grateau Holiday Mule
When it comes to agency holiday cocktails, I believe in one thing: more is always more. Why settle for a basic Moscow Mule when you can give it a simple festive glow-up? And I field tested this a few nights back for some actual guests at my now annual “Roastmas”.
Enter the Agence Grateau Holiday Mule—a cranberry-kissed twist on the classic that's equal parts chic and cheerful. The copper mug? Très Instagram. The rosemary sprig? Effortlessly elegant. The cranberries floating on top like ornaments? Yes. Yes. Yes. I think even Sylvie might like this one.
2 oz vodka
3 oz ginger beer
1 oz fresh lime juice
1 oz cranberry juice
Fresh cranberries and rosemary sprig for garnish
À votre santé, you gorgeous train wrecks.